Presenting a step-by-step guide. Yes, this is satire.
Pro-Tip:Click on an image to trigger a full screen slideshow, and use navigation cues to navigate!
WARNING: Potentially disturbing images. Viewer discretion is advised!
Step 1:
Rinse the human briefly under tap water while it is still alive, making sure to leave some sweat behind for taste.
Step 2:
Hold the human firmly, then inject it with an overdose of drugs (preferably morphine). If you are religious, pray for it as it passes peacefully.
Then use your fingers or a toothpick to make it look as if it is smiling…
Then use your fingers or a toothpick to make it look as if it is smiling…
Step 3:
… because you do not want it to look unappetizing when it is ready to serve.
[Its muscles will harden as it cooks, making almost-permanent a grotesque facial expression that may induce guilt in the diner.]
[Its muscles will harden as it cooks, making almost-permanent a grotesque facial expression that may induce guilt in the diner.]
Step 4:
Poke the human generously with a fork. Then marinate it in some stock of your choosing for a few hours. Stock from boiling chicken and cinnamon in water has been used in this example (try it! mmmh).
Step 5:
Add more stock to the container and boil the human for twenty minutes. The cooking is technically over, for it is now edible (and is very unlikely to cause illness once ingested).
The following steps deal with just one example of plating, for demonstration-purposes. Use your creativity to come up with your own!
“Everything you can imagine is real.” ― Pablo Picasso
“Everything you can imagine is real.” ― Pablo Picasso
Step 6:
Chop! Chop! Chop!
Step 7:
Stuff the slices with some mint leaves. Tip: crush the leaves using your fingers to allow the juices to seep out!
Step 8:
Plate. Serve. Enjoy!
DISCLAIMER: Once again, this is satire. Please do not attempt this with a real human.
DISCLAIMER: Once again, this is satire. Please do not attempt this with a real human.
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Wow! Can somebody try this on me please?
That would depend on the country you are in. It is illegal in some. 😛